Damn—
if they think Robert Freaking Pattinson’s not buff enough,
what will they say about my slack belly,
my saggy man-boobs?

Of course I’m barely an actor, certainly no Batman—
never claimed to be. I was also a Spider-Man guy,
& if Peter Parker had abs, he didn’t make a big deal of it,
unlike others I could name. (Hulk, Thor, Captain
America, I’m looking at you.)

Once, though, dad bods ruled the silver screen.
Joan Crawford, Rita Hayworth, Ava Gardner
were required to be stacked & perky, toned head to toe,
but Bogie, Bill Holden, John Wayne,
who looked like they never did a crunch in their lives—
hubba, hubba! Their masculine beauty
was in their faces & voices, not their quads & biceps.
But these days they’d be relegated to the parts
Charles Laughton & Ernest Borgnine used to get,
bless their hearts.

Oh well. Maybe it’s karma. Maybe
what was bad for the goose is now bad for the gander, too—
though being men, we’re not supposed to care.
So go on, tell us we’re not enough. Payback’s a bitch.

Just know that deep down, 
once in a while,
Robert Pattinson & I still need to feel cute.