last night,
i silently wept
again, after promising myself
that i wouldn’t

i touched myself,
& i thought
that i could feel you–

there was nothing,
is nothing,
i can do
to be able
to touch your slenderness,
slip my hand under
your fox-printed boxers,
watch you smile, laugh,
kiss me

i tried not to beg
as i fell asleep:
you don’t even have
to love me