Your eulogy was difficult to write
looking for a balance to honor you
and paint you as you were for the one’s who knew.
Like the code word uttered when it is time to leave a party
without being obvious

It was agonizing to deliver to a room of people I didn’t know
I didn’t know you
and you me.

Doing my best to speak intelligently with the best suit I could afford
maybe in the end others might be your surrogate of feelings
and be proud for you as your son stands alone.
Maybe I should have used a safe word
to let you know that the neglect from earliest memories
was impossible to bear,
but that is the very nature of not noticing

Your battle lasted for too many pain filled years and I had thought the multiple weekend flights to try and connect might make us closer,
but in the end my resentment out lasted you.
What I should have given you before asking for explanations that ended in excuses