I think maybe

The reason it hurt so much

That you left when you did,

Is because the way

We spent the days

Leading up to our last moment

Was the way

I’ve spent my life

Idealizing what a perfect love

Would feel like.

We had our first kiss

In the pool in my backyard.

We fell asleep with our bodies

Knotted together,

While we watched a movie

In my bed.

You stayed up with me

Until 5 in the morning,

And kissed me at the door

Goodnight.

You played with my fingers,

While I played with your hair.

But if I would’ve known

That was the last time

I would twirl your locks

Around my fingers,

I would have ripped the hair

Right off of your scalp

For letting me be so vulnerable,

Just for you to walk away un-phased.

I tell myself

That you’re hurting too;

That you didnt mean

To abandon me like this.

But, I think constantly

Coming up with reasons

Why it was okay that you left

Is why I am sitting here

And I’m not okay at all.

You broke me

And as cliche as that sounds,

You turned me into a person

I did not know existed.

You ruined me.

You make crave you

When I feel happy.

I don’t allow myself to feel joy.

As soon as I feel my lips

Twitch into a smile,

I put on the playlist of songs

You sent to me,

And I cry

Every time.

I force myself to sleep

With my bed facing the nightlight

I keep in the hall,

Because even though

It stops me from sleeping,

That was the last light I saw

The last time I fell asleep

In your arms.

I refuse to dump the ashtray in my garage,

Because it’s the one that I bought you

As a souvenir,

And you never took it home.

Not only do I see your outline

In the ashes,

But your cigarette butts

Are still rotting

In the bottom of it.

How could I throw something away

That threw me away first?

How can I lock you away

In a box for good,

When you hid inside the one

In my ribcage long enough

That you had to knock away

Until it shattered

The rest of my organs?

How can I forget the one thing

That made me realize that

Maybe

I can feel

Again?

How can I toss aside the

Most raw part of me,

When the rest of me

Is not enough to

Make a whole?

I think the reason it hurt so bad,

Was because losing you

Lost everything

In me

Too