The girls stand there like a club I’m not allowed to join
because I started life with the wrong invitation.

Though I am friendly with every one of them, the sentiment
is universal: there’s no further place for me to find here.

Desires have been discerned, boundaries drawn in bold,
barriers that are not mine to challenge because I will lose,

but I take care that any bitterness doesn’t get tasted by them.
One can be resenting without being resentful of anyone.

***

Just like how I don’t resent the missionaries and their invitation
Have you met out Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

A freshman in college, detached from familiar youth groups,
I was in freefall and they provided to me a place to land.

They were only doing what they thought was best
and it worked, for a time. Until it went bad.

I caught a glimpse of the outside world. Saw
my best years wasted in suits and Sacrament Meetings

while peers traveled the world and built careers
and partied until the morning came around again.

When I eventually got out
I was so far behind.

I was still picking up the pieces
while surrounded by weddings.

***

Met a girl around that time–she came on to me at the bar,
bought a couple drinks then surprised me a kiss

then another and another until I let her take me home,
but casual sex was never what I envisioned for myself.

I stared at her ceiling thinking I don’t want this while below
she did her best with my flaccidly wrong invitation.

My one one-night-stand
and I wasn’t even up for it.

I wanted the happiness
that kept blossoming around me.

***

Finally thought I had it last year
when conversation and occasional flirting

evolved unexpected with an invitation to the fair-
she wanted me to meet her kids.

What else
was I supposed
to think about that?

I said after I’d like to take her to dinner,
she said I only invited you as a friend.

***
 
Can you blame me for being little gunshy with dating?
For the hitch in my voice when it’s time to bare a heart?

The people were always wrong
or I was wrong for the people

so at some point, you just give up
and in that emptiness, for me, an envy thrives

for those blessed with themselves,
for those who have found a space in other people.

These girls don’t do anything wrong; they just make me
a little more aware of what’s still missing

and I can hold myself accountable to myself.
It’s not my place to impede on anyone’s joy.