Free advice, getting what you paid for:

Label each sock in a pair “right” or “left” so that you can reverse them on Backwards Day,
Read a bedtime story to your kid, then give a pop quiz three nights later to see if she or he was paying attention,
Always be ready with a Shakespeare quote, preceded by, “I don’t know if this applies, but. . .”
You can never have enough toothpicks or rubber bands,
Right before going to bed, count the number of times you only paid for what you needed,
Always use the word “certainly” so that no one thinks you are calling them Shirley–unless you’re talking to Shirley,
Do the Hokey Pokey only when other people are doing it, because someone is always watching,
Periodically remind people that you have cousins in New Jersey.

Once again, you’re welcome.