Posts for 2020 (page 159)

My childhood was spent in glittering fields
full of fireflies and dreams. 
As I raced against the night I was sure I would catch them both-
but hard lessons were learned when I held on too tight
and crushed the little sparks of light. 

And tonight as the full moon comes ’round again, 
That little girl reappeared — the wrinkles from her dress now 
crease the corners of her eyes– 
And in those lines, there is wisdom from lessons learned 
while racing against the night– 
of how to catch fireflies & let them go
And how to cling to the dreams — giving both life. 

A day of kayaking

Filled with more

Floating and talking

Than paddling.

Stopped at bridges

To see friends

With pizza and drinks

Getting down

Crazy rapids

Ended in laughing fits

A baby deer

A few turtles

A raccoon

The sun going down,

Lost in the middle of nowhere

No way to get to us

Floating in the dark like

Straight out of a movie

Screaming for friends

A shining flashlight

A trek through cow fields

Hopping fences-

Electrical fences

Up a hill and to the truck

And finally our movie ended.

I call it “The Special Pain”
That gut wrenching feeling of betrayal.
A sadness that can’t even be called sadness anymore.
“The Special Pain”
That numb feeling of carelessness.
The hollowness of broken rib cages.
“The Special Pain”
The bleeding of busted lips and rope burn.
The screaming of scared kids and angry parents
“The Special Pain”
Knowing that he never loved you and you’ll always be another body on his list
Hearing the voices in your head and seeing shadows on the walls.
“The Special Pain”
It only comes to the special people.
The people that are so messed up that normal pain isn’t enough.
The people that are so twisted and full of self hate and abuse that normal hurt doesn’t hurt anymore.
“The Special Pain”
It’s for the broken, abused, unloved, and unsalvageable.
It’s for the victims, the innocent, the pure, and the perfect.
“The Special Pain”
It’s not designed for description
It’s not described for depiction.
It’s for killing.
It’s murderous.
Full of venom.
There is no escaping “The Special Pain”.
It stomps your throat, breaks your jaw, shatters your soul.
When you’re hanging onto the cliff with your fingertips, it’s the heavy boot crushing your knuckles forcing you to fall
And fall
And fall
And fall
Until the falling ends and everything stops.
That’s how you escape “The Special Pain”

Through the grass,
across the path,
and towards the street.
where are the crumbs?
I must tell the others.

Rocky Top cabin
fam scares me more than bears do
mountain fun times roar

he illuminates the windowpane
with a pulsating brightness
startled by the first blink
til I realize we’re well into summer

Messages

Is it ok
tomorrow
if I come to your place,
so you can explain
to me
better please?

I will put on a mask,
wash my hands
and everything.

You can spray me with that
disinfectant
if you want to.

I’d like to ask if my friend
could come with me–
the girl you usually see
around me?
She is from Serbia.
We’ve been going through
this situation together
since the beginning.
We just have each other.

I am scared to ask you.
Let me know, please!

constant continuum
one, few, many
all
slide amongst offerings,
new, now, next
darwinian struggle
supremacy’s brass ring,
basic cable balkanization

and there’s never really anything on,
anyway

I cry beside
the dishwasher.
The comforting
mechanical noise
drowns me out,
so I don’t scare
the kids, and the
periodic whirring
and swishing of
water feels normal
like any other day:
the endless dishes,
the humming
backdrop
of the fridge,
the cluttered counters.
But this isn’t
any other day,
and it isn’t normal,
and I’m not sure how
to make myself okay.
We are not okay –
the country
and the world
are not okay.

I wish I could speak eloquently

But I was born tongue tied.

It’s a shame to have a voice that shakes.

Especially when you have so much to say.