Posts for June 10, 2023 (page 7)

I laughed when you said you thought I was trying to scare you off when we first met.
I joked that maybe that was me baring my true self, and that my current disposition is the result of a concerted effort to restrain it. 
That I am not (thank god) Bukowski, there are no bluebirds in my soul.
Mine lives outside where bluebirds belong, Singing sweetly as can be reasonably expected by its peers.
Inside me (and I sort of presume inside everyone) must live some kind of feral goblin,
Who craves caterwauling, needs to sometimes spout gibberish.
So next time you ask
Why are you yelling?
What are you doing?
Know the answer deep in my heart is this:

*goblin noises*

The neighbors move 

Ever since I was young, I’ve thought I was able to feel God’s presence

His voice in my ear like the wind whispers

His smile shining on me like sun rays on a July day

His teachings poured through my mind like a stream falls over the rocks in its path

I had it good

Until I found this part of me

My queerness

That’s when the wind halted

The sun fell from the sky

The water disappeared

Everything I stood for

Everything I knew

Everything I believed

It all crumbled in my hands, turned to dust

It felt like the end of the world

And to some extent, it was

The end of a world that could be viewed in black and white

But I found answers in myself

It felt like I was alone

And to some extent, I was

Alone with my thoughts, without support that I so desperately wanted

But I found support in myself

It felt like I would never recover

And to some extent, I didn’t

Forever scarred by the pain the church caused

But I found peace in myself

I’ve learned to live in the grey mess of life

Life is not black or white, right or wrong, good or evil, it’s made of both

I’ve learned that family can be chosen

Family is not only through blood and marriage, it can be so much more

I’ve learned to trust myself

People are not perfect, so why do I expect myself to be?

Losing God was the best thing that could’ve ever happen to me

Because I found so much more

I found my family

I found belonging

I found my voice

I found solace

I found my soulmate

I found truth

I found my opinions

I found love

And I found myself

“You’re going out in that?!?”,
Said with incredulity and scorn.
“You are not leaving my house
Dressed like that!”,
Stated definitively.
Creating the
Lifelong battle of
Appropriate Attire.

Decades of struggle
To find just the
Right outfit
To convey
An attitude and
A lifestyle
That makes
Those around you
Comfortable.

Rarely are you,
Yourself,
Comfortable.
The dress is
Too tight, or too big.
Your foundation garments
Hide your tummy bulge
But constrict your breathing,
Or shift as you walk.

The shoes that you
Only wear
For special occasions
Pinch your toes and/or
Blister your heel,
And cause pain in
The ball of your foot
From shifting all
Your weight forward.

Sometimes, though,
You get it all right.
The right dress/skirt/top/pants.
The right shoes/stockings/tights/socks.
The right jacket/sweater/coverup.
The right purse/bag/clutch.
The right hairstyle.
The right makeup/no makeup.
And you feel
Comfortable
In your outfit,
In the group,
And, best of all,
In your skin.

And we abandon compunction,

In the beginnings of love
concepts of marriage
together forever
are a romantical endeavor

You think it’ll be all kisses
anniversaries he never misses
roses on Valentine’s Day
and he always knows what to say

But in the long run
it isn’t all kisses
there are events he misses
and not every word glistens

He still loves though
in his own little ways
things people barely see
but mean everything to me

He’ll take out the trash
without me needing to ask
he listens to my rants
buys me trinkets if he has the chance

He respects my identity
encourages what brings me serenity
is honest, doesn’t like to lie
embraces me, when all I can do is cry

And even when he does nothing
there are things I still adore
the giddy look he gets at the game store
and the sound of his snores

Life long love
not a series of romantic gestures
but noticing the little things
that’s what brings us closer together

Blissful morning
Usurped by
Live news coverage of
Loss of life in
Explosive
Torrent of gunfire and shattered glass
People hiding in vault while friends
Riven by AR-15
Officer freshly minted returning fire
On livestream
Failure of systems?

For now, there are love songs
to be read in a whisper,alone,
written in the times before
he heard her name, her voice.  

Knowing they don’t belong to him,
even as the wildest of prophecies,
makes them somehow more potent,
defining her as well as a cup of coffee.  

Two incarnations from now,
if they haven’t found themselves
standing in the same place and time,
perhaps he’ll consider forgetting her.  

                  ‘lina days and
                  lone star nights

blunt pops of plastic against paddle,

oohs of amazement, and shrieks of awe:

these sounds from the other room

replenish our spirit like

chlorophyll in the afternoon

shockwaves launched, back and forth,

from the tiny orange sun,

across decades and statelines,

wrinkles of time

in a dynamic quiltwork

wrap a new generation in the fold.

life is simple

when it’s filled with love and laughs;

like ducklings in a line,

we move as a unit

from stone mountain to shaker heights

and back;

we’re proud of you, as your fluffy feathers

change into a full-grown crown;

you’ve imprinted on your hometown,

now, leave your mark on the world.

when people believe in you,

like we have and always will,

you can do miraculous things

just like you’ve done, and will continue to do

stay fast and stay curious,

as you surge toward your future;

arms outstretched, we’re waiting

and cheering here for you,

fear not this new stage of
your new world—

you’ve got this!

make your choices, and don’t look back—

these ducklings, we’ve got your back.

look around you,

and you will see

your ride or dies here for you;

your friends and family

blended together,

strong steel makes reliable guardrails.

enjoy this smudge where green meets blue,

cousins, family, no times removed.

we’re all here to celebrate you.

as sure as big D stands for Dom Toretto,

the most important thing in life

is the people in this room

(we love you)