Ever since I was young, I’ve thought I was able to feel God’s presence

His voice in my ear like the wind whispers

His smile shining on me like sun rays on a July day

His teachings poured through my mind like a stream falls over the rocks in its path

I had it good

Until I found this part of me

My queerness

That’s when the wind halted

The sun fell from the sky

The water disappeared

Everything I stood for

Everything I knew

Everything I believed

It all crumbled in my hands, turned to dust

It felt like the end of the world

And to some extent, it was

The end of a world that could be viewed in black and white

But I found answers in myself

It felt like I was alone

And to some extent, I was

Alone with my thoughts, without support that I so desperately wanted

But I found support in myself

It felt like I would never recover

And to some extent, I didn’t

Forever scarred by the pain the church caused

But I found peace in myself

I’ve learned to live in the grey mess of life

Life is not black or white, right or wrong, good or evil, it’s made of both

I’ve learned that family can be chosen

Family is not only through blood and marriage, it can be so much more

I’ve learned to trust myself

People are not perfect, so why do I expect myself to be?

Losing God was the best thing that could’ve ever happen to me

Because I found so much more

I found my family

I found belonging

I found my voice

I found solace

I found my soulmate

I found truth

I found my opinions

I found love

And I found myself