Introduction

The study of the human mind
hasn’t always been kind
to our four-legged friends

but experiments
that could not be conducted today
were not without their wisdoms.

Phase One

Inspired by Pavlov, Seligman
wanted to test classical conditioning,
but instead of salivation, 
he wanted depression.

The dogs were strapped to harnesses.
At the ring of a bell, an electric shock
was delivered to their bodies
they were powerless to stop.

Over time, at the ring of that bell,
Seligman took note of the dogs,
ears low, tail sagging, laying down whimpering
before the shock would hit.

Phase Two

Depressed dogs now unharnessed
were placed in a large crate
with a low barrier dividing it in two.
On one side of this barrier, the floor
was wired to administer more shocks,
but the other side,
nothing more than a simple leap away,
was safe.
At the ring of the bell,
these dogs just stood there and took it.

They had learned
                  if you try to run
there is no escape
                  if you try to bark
there is no escape
                  if you try to fight
there is no escape
                  if you try to save yourself…
There. Is. No. Escape.

Control Group

Then a second group of dogs
was brought into the mix,
placed directly in the crate
when a bell would ring
and they’d be shocked from the floor.
                    
                            Once.
                                                         Twice.

                                                                        These dogs quickly learned
                                                                        how a simple leap
                                                                        over a really small barrier
                                                                        at the sound of a bell
                                                                        delivered them from harm.

Interpretation

When life teaches you
that you are fucked
no matter what you do,
you just kinda stop trying.

Conclusion

I see her texting on her phone
        Boyfriend
    We go a day without saying hello
            She doesn’t care anymore
        She still smiles
                Kindness isn’t attraction
            Asks me how my day is
                    These are not signals
                    she was never into you
                    you’re desperate to feel important
                    this is all the two of you will be

She’s never had her phone on the floor before
yet I’ve seen it twice today.
The other side must mean something,
a place I may never be.

Or am I just projecting doom
on answers I’ll never know
if I never venture to ask?
A simple leap of faith.

No, I’m afraid of the rejection,
afraid of exposing myself again
afraid of trying to feel happy, content,
meaningful,
loved,
wanted,
saved.

And I’m afraid I’m hearing bells.

Pink and red hair, sharp pole on their keychain, a knife necklace. 
They rage and laugh and sing doing the dishes.
We confide in each other that we’re both down to smoking two or three times a day.
A friend that gets you, that protects you. 
I think that one day I’ll write a song about you,
like Graceland Too.

Accruing an archive of dust and misdeeds,

another weekend
in the big-shouldered city
only thirteen dead
out of seventy-seven
shot with no remorse or thought

In, out, over, done?
Which of us will win someone;
Under morning sun?

you have

smothered me
stifled me
stiff-armed me

when there is space for me
you are able to
                    think
                        meditate
                            create
                                be

with no agenda OR outcome OR product

when you let me in
there is room

to

sit with your thoughts
let them linger
pay attention to them
see where they go

…maybe nowhere

so until then

i remain here
waiting for you to decelerate
and
remember what it’s like to have me around

        breathing slows
            shoulders lower
                thoughts unjumble             

you return to yourself again

disgruntled
frustrated
holding a grudge
not against
as if slighted
just holding
foolish I know
knew it from the moment I held it in my hand yet there it was
rolling around my palm all the day long
as I painted my sons garage
alone
had to run for more supplies
alone
battled the grocery store for provisions
alone
to other son’s home vacuummed floors washed walls
alone
no one said I must
nor even expects it
well maybe one does….
I just do it
hold myself to the level
that never quite settles into balance
nor finds its equelibrium
I’ve said I like
alone
I really do too
but some tasks
some life
needs an
along.

It’s never knowing how she feels about you.
That’s a lie you know exactly how she feels
you just don’t want to believe it.
Love is madness
so let’s stay in the friendzone.

I could never count on you to be the person I needed you to be

The person I thought you were

I loved you like sunshine

All-encompassing, warm, consistent

Your love for me was never what it seemed

Like shadows

Shifty, dangerous, hidden

I’m not anti- social
I’m a Cistercian monk
So I’m a-social
But you say: “Don’t you like sex?”

Ah well; that
It is an order with a vow of chastity
But maybe just for a fling
I’d step out of it if you’d stand still for it

Then the woman with the furrowed brow says:
“You’re my only cause for anxiety”
But I don’t do guilt either
The monestary starved it out of me

“What makes you go be a hermit?”
To speak with full faith and varacity
It’s so I can go quiet and be alone with joy
Says: :You are an annoyance.”

So I come back for a bit of social
A fling, a bottle of wine, some audacity
But the timing is wrong
I’m alone in the yard, 10 AM

Now I hear from somewhere far away
“You’re fooling yourself with mendacity.”
Now. I’m a fool but a flexible fool
Amenable, bendable, charitable
Won’t bite you won’t fite you
Just love you, stand by you, help you
Play with you, stay with you
Pull you into my cliff dweller cave
As far as you will let me
And hope you’ll be my Cisterian monkee