Stephen Chobosky wrote the words “We accept the love we think we deserve” in The Perks of Being a Wallflower and those words hit me like one of your slaps across my face
Like an unexpecting gut punch after suffering through your harsh words

We accept the love we think we deserve because we’ve never seen it any other way. We don’t know what healthy love looks like when we’ve only seen love in the bright light of gaslights.

We accept that love because we were raised in the back of cars shuffled between parents who didn’t understand us. How could they understand us when we were begging for love they didn’t know how to give?

We accept that love because we think we deserve the backhanded remarks and teeth marks of lovers. How can you love someone without abuse? Is it really love if it doesn’t feel like an anxiety attack?

We accept that love until it kills us or we learn to grow into new kinds of love. Love that accepts us back. Until we learn that we don’t derserve pain, we deserve all the things that rom coms promised us and more. We deserve safety, security, and partnership.

I reject that love I used to think I derserved.