I am going to be that bisexual,

the one you judge as greedy,

because I want more.

I admit

I am in a perfectly happy

relationship

with a woman,

but

I still hunger to have

a man in my life,

to follow that urge that was awakened

as a preteen,

the one I denied and repressed

until my 20s.

In many ways,

I’m still the person I was at 21.

I still don’t feel “gay enough”

or attractive enough

to have a boyfriend.

I still feel lost

as to how to find one.

And all my mentors

who were meant

to initiate me

and teach me

things like how to cruise

are gone now.

There is something delicious

about my encounters with men

which I love.

A different flavor of intimacy.

Something like that sense

of fooling around

in basements as a teenager

with my closest friends.

But this isn’t just about sex.

I can get sex.

I think I can get sex.

But the feeling I get

when another man

romances me,

that’s unique.

I cherish the few times

it’s happened.

I got the girl,

i got the house,

I should cash my chips in and go home.

But no,

I’m that idiot on

Deal or No Deal

who is risking everything

for the ultimate prize.

Most people spend their life

searching for a soul mate,

and I’m on the hunt for number two.

I know it’s selfish,

but I won’t apologize.

If I had been able

to come out to myself sooner,

maybe I would already have him.

If I hadn’t wasted a decade on religious fear,

maybe he’d be here.

If it hadn’t taken me forever

to feel okay

wanting what I want,

instead of giving in

to societal pressure,

maybe I’d have a boyfriend.

And yes,

I know

I am probably

projecting all kinds of things

onto the wonderful man

who is not here yet.

He probably won’t complete me

or sweep away the

last lingering bits of loneliness

from my soul.

He won’t make me any more woman

than I already am.

He may not have the perfect cock.

And he may not be willing to watch

all fourteen hundred and counting

films

in the Criterion Collection

with me.

But a transgender girl can dream.

You chase your unicorns

and I’ll chase mine.

There’s something intoxicating

about the thought

of a man

who falls so deeply

in love with me

that he’s willing to be

my secondary partner

and make me his primary one.

Maybe Robert Palmer was right

and I’m addicted to love

and being wanted.

Or maybe it’s possible to have it all,

more than an occassional taste

of intimacy with a man.

Yes, I’m that bisexual

your mother warned you about,

not satisfied with monogamy.

Not satiated

with the love

of one amazing woman alone.

No, I’m that greedy bitch

who wants to drink deeply

from the well of love, romance,

and sexual pleasure.