i’m still trying to figure out
if i love you
and i know that sounds harsh
i know it comes across as if
i’m being rigid and bitter
towards you
that i’m being an angry, hostile teenager
but i don’t want to lie

and don’t get me wrong
i’ll still try to be kind to you
because i still appreciate
everything
everything you sacrificed
everything you did
everything you pushed through
because life didn’t deal you a kind hand;

and yet,
i don’t know if that justifies love
because there are things you did—-
things you still do—-
that unsettle me
and i’m still struggling
through this murky water
and i think you are too
and that’s okay

but i’m filled with guilt
and i’m sorry
that i didn’t wish you
“Happy Father’s Day!”
yesterday