I paint upon my face
school spirit for a school
I’ve been to once or twice,
a school I didn’t go to,
a school’s morals I don’t approve,
with people I don’t fit in with.
it’s these people I have chosen
to spend the whole day with,
it’s these very people,
I plan to try hard and impress.

my life led me to this moment
(though that is true for all things).
I learned to paint this spirit
on my face from instagram,
from watching all my peers
bypass me in fun and cheer.
I watch this fun life way,
this life they all live proud,
while I am stuck at home,
stuck with all my villains
who wreck me to my core.
villains who I take
and keep them safe inside.
and safer still, the truth I keep,
the truth from myself I hide,
The truth about who it is
who is really hurting me.

everything I learned
was through a smartphone screen.
This life of paper lies
is missing a crucial point:
essential to this process
is group work with your loved ones—
or at least your neighbors in math class.

I don’t have the proper tools
so I have to innovate.
eyeliner melts off my cheek
as I bounce and jolt in a void
of cackles and giggles and heat and
I grow dizzy from this endless cycle,
this hamster wheel of grass and sky.
the metal seats burn as I push them down to sit
in them, while bees and wasps flit about the fence.

I scream and shout to cheer
all to no avail.
I scream and shout to fit in
somewhere that’s not real.
This happiness I made up
that all these people occupy,
this happiness I will never reach,
the idea of which hurts me, true and tried.

I fear that everyone can see through
this verisimilitude, glinting
like rhinestone clips from Claire’s,
this cheap and hasty act
of normalcy and calm,
of reliving experiences
I Certainly Have Had,
all of these Real Memories
of events that are old hat.

As much as I fear
to be seen through by these people,
none of them could care
less about the real me.
But I fear more to be
left all alone.