I.

don’t respond
to her text messages.

II.

late night, build a fort in bed.
proclaim: no cats allowed.

III.

control her diet.
tell her fish is off the menu.

IV.

adopt a giant kangaroo
who looks like a mouse.

V.

gentrify her tower.
give thirty days notice.

VI.

plaster her windows
with newsprint.

VII.

if you touch her,
touch the scruff of her neck.

VIII.

do not bare your teeth.
she sees this as affection.

IX.

hide her books
under the couch.

X.

bring home a dog
with a wet nose.

XI.

give her catnip
only sporadically.

XII.

keep spray bottles
in unexpected places.

XIII.

cover your fingers
in Velcro.

XIV.

cut her nails
eat her babies.