two drafts, I don’t know, help me decide
Morning after an Argument
On the rusted edges of
a dying night, language is
a fire, a syllable the spark,
its music unnoticed at first
like snow falling in the dark.
At graduation, the valedictorian:
“commencement” means beginning.
Those words hang in the air
like tasseled caps captured in photos,
and now I’m saying good morning.
After a big loss, Coach stands:
this isn’t the end; this is the beginning.
A slow clap follows, and now
I’m saying got ya coffee but what
I mean is sunrise is to darkness
as good lyrics and a snaking saxophone solo
are to long, winking lashes of silence,
and the waking light has opened
for the wet, new morning
moaning its desire to be born.
Morning after an Argument
On the rusted edges of
a dying night, language is
a fire, a syllable the spark,
its music unnoticed at first
like snow falling in the dark.
I’m saying good morning, and
got ya coffee but what I mean
is sunrise is to darkness as good
lyrics and a snaking saxophone solo
on the radio alarm are to tense silence.
14 thoughts on "two drafts, I don’t know, help me decide"
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Tom, this is my
thought. Prefaced with the obvious need I have for blooms.
” the wet, new morning/moaning its desire to be born.” Is too good to slice off.
Thanks, Coleman. I don’t know. Feels trite to me. It echoes the last line of “The Second Coming,” for one thing.
Both a great reads. I prefer the second, but as a problematically loquacious guy, I’m always a sucker for concision. I think the other images in the middle stanzas can have a life in other poems.
Thanks Jason. Yeah, I’m leaning that way.
I also would go with the more condensed version. The middle of the longer one seems to take me off onto side tracks. The tension is stronger in the second one, the waves of which might still be hanging about the morning after. You get to the heart quicker.
Thanks Silvia!
I agree about preferring the second version and that some of the other parts from the first one could be reworked into another (or multiple other) poems. I really like it though!
Thanks Chelsie!
Number two, for sure! To me, understated emotionally charged scenes simmer more powerfully. These two stanzas say it all.
Thanks Ellen. A consensus is forming…
Go with the second. The first was warming up and looking for the second
Sounds like a plan. Thanks Mike.
Um, I’m going rogue. Bucking trends. How about keeping both. As though the first is your longer first argument resolution, and then the shorter second is a repeat of the first, since we often fall into a loop of repeating the same argument, do we not?
Interesting!