Glowing sunlight peaks through the dark green of the trees,
I’m staring at it, but it’s staring past me.
The light’s never looking at any particular thing.
All the glow does is glow every evening.
I see its reflection in the window through which I pear.
I watch the light fade into the rest of the world, until the sun disappears.
to be alright
while at the same time
being quite the opposite
is a contradiction
yet also the truth
I am currently in the state near denial
not wanting to admit, face up to
the fact that perhaps I am going about this entirely
wrong
not knowing though, where to turn, I encourage myself to take a break
don’t dwell on it tonight
leave it
let it go, and then I chuckle
because how does one, simply release
all the while, striving for success and tomorrow’s plans
I want love like sweet, sugar floss bleach hair. Like watching the multicolor soap hit the windows of your car. I want love like being saved from a bathtub overdose and I want love like seeing doubles of each other.
When you’re like me, you idealize movies like Candy. You fall in love with the idea of being the coolest people in McDonald’s. You fall in love with the idea that no matter how truly fucked you are, someone might be fucked too. Someone might be even more fucked than you. Someone might indulge in the self-indulgency of your bad poetry. That someone might be the Dan to your Candy. That someone might carry your heart. Carry your heart in theirs. That you might find that secret glue that holds all things together in a perfect place. That one day, the noise will not intrude. That your world will one day be so very complete.
There’s always something something something
That walk down the street when you realize your
Only child
Doesn’t have neighborhood kids to play with
And coming back to a basement with a leak
You don’t know how to fix
And thinking about that degree you still want
But never got
And clothes that don’t fit right because you’ve gained weight
Or because you’re on your period
And you hate every hair and inch
And mirrors are like magnets
Repelling you
And sure you see the wildflowers
And the golden wash of sunlight as the day ends
And sleeping cats melting into windowsills
And the moon as it curves pale in the sky
But how do you wrench your brain
A 90 degree burning turn onto a new track
When those something something somethings
Are like sticky tacky tar
Melting in summer hot sun
When you can’t pull your sneaker free
And the smell follows you all the way home
After ten hours and more
than a thousand years, I stand
on this rocky shore.
Once the world ended here,
where Saint Columba landed,
seeking a new world.
To the north, nothing but ice.
West, only cold and Canada.
South, forsaken Ireland
with its saints and stories,
music and lush greens.
Here, endless wind
and damp and cold. The ferry
that stitches the strait to Mull
and back many times each day.
I walk the isle’s empty roads,
gather green and striped smooth
stones in its coves. Sit in its
abbey to feel the silence. As I
lean into ceaseless wind, my heart
slows to the rhythm of home.
tenderly, but don’t cry—-
this isn’t about you, you are not
breaking your own heart
care for it, bandage the pieces,
ask it if it wants a kiss, if it wants to be left alone,
if it still wants your company (in which you must love it more than ever)
remember that the heart has autonomy,
but never ever tell it that it’ll be whole again,
that it’ll love again
because a wounded heart can do nothing but ache,
must ache, can’t imagine anything but pain,
& you don’t know what you’re saying anyway
for you’ve already found love & kept your heart whole
“For though I preach the gospel, I have nothing to glory of:
for necessity is laid upon me;
yea, woe is unto me, if I preach not the gospel!”
(1 Corinthians 9:16, KJV)
Belief in God can strangely
make an absolute mess of human relationships
especially in interpretations of His will.
Did we not all make the promise to do His work?
We say things like share the love of Christ
and help bear each other’s crosses
then the moment comes to practice what we preach
like the dreaded pop quiz. Have you studied?
A man gets his arm broke
and everyone rushes to sign the cast.
Man gets his spirit broke and everybody
rushes to the other side of the pass.
Listen up! There are devils in the church!
They may not all be evil but
sometimes careless is worse!
A time and time again lesson;
be careful who you surround yourself with.
Of our little group:
One had such a magnetic personality
drawing you closer, but not into his circles.
You could run off cliffs at the edge of his smile.
One was so given to her work
she never noticed our flatlining friendship.
Revealed regret can’t resuscitate this relationship.
Another failed to recognize Christ
in the least of his brothers
in one of my moments of shattering. Fucking goat.
Another looked me in the eye and said
I’m not your savior.
Aren’t we supposed to be His hands and feet.
And then there’s you.
Falling in love may have muddied God’s plan
or it might have been His plan.
Either way, the light you drew people in with
and the way you turned that light off
when they were suddenly getting too close
ran the risk of leaving us confused,
like we were now lost in the cold vacuums of space.
Those were your choices.
They must be respected even as I will ask you
if you’ve truly been open to God’s will all along.
Sometimes love is as simple as helping someone
finally feel forgiven of their sins.
But if not you, then maybe our community
of supposedly intentional disciples, maybe one
could have tried to help me endure such a hard fall?
That’s the part that truly hurts.
You are heartache where they are abandonment,
like I’m not worth saving; I trusted the wrong people again.
They are the shadow I have fallen under.
It’s taken a lot to recognize it
but now I know my time amongst these people
is coming to an end.
I’m not waiting for them to hear God’s voice.
Shadows stretch long
in dessicated wasteland
and I am once and for all
shaking the dust off my feet.
Either the root
of this unpulled pain
isn’t going
to kill me
or I’m writhing
at the end of
reprieve
bare
neck
beckoning
My dog snores
from the recliner
feet stretched out,
head propped on the arm.
Every now and then
her nose twitches, feet jerk,
and her eyes become slits
reflecting light from the window
as she sighs like the earth
rests on her conscience.
