think of the heartbreak. when in the midst of it it can feel like the only thing that matters.
then gradually their birthday passes and your mom stops asking about them, their pictures (the ones you couldn’t bring yourself to delete) get pushed farther back into the camera roll.
then that yellow shirt they got you only brings a flicker of the memory of their face. their name a sad smile.
remembering the time they spilt purple paint on your bed or when they hid in a tree during a game of hide and seek— remembering how it felt when a week of silence turned into that final text, the one that renewed the flickering hope, that you could fix the mess…
remembering the last words they said.

your heart beats normally now. you no longer text a blocked number, no longer reread long paragraphs of text or muse over the lack of responses.
now it’s a bittersweet experience remembering.
knowing what hurt was. knowing what hurt more was how lonely it was and how much it sucked to realize you needed this to learn to be alone.
you’ve yet to recover. you’ve loved again, sure, but the part of you that was so eager to share and to take and to trust was chipped a little when they told your mutual friend they were glad to get rid of you.

think of the heartbreak. when in the midst of it it can feel like the only thing that matters.
then gradually their birthday passes and your mom stops asking about them, and you wonder if you ever had a choice in who to love.
if, once the week turned into a year and then years, and the hurt turned into acceptance, you ever stopped loving them.

it feels like the choice is never really yours.

that person I’m supposed to be
unencumbered by circumstance.
Just being
my authentic self.
Supported
by friends & family.
A feeling of lightness
and bursts of creativity.
Everything seems possible.
All my dreams will come true.

#1

Cackling Cagliosteri 

1 Jackdaw + a garroting grackle

Curly, curvy, cowlicked crow kin
With your 
shiny mirror of ebony
gleaming as a likely undiscovered or impossibly Iris-colored opal.

A caballus, a caravan, a cavalcade
of Horse Sense
Glittering ruin in the barrenness’s wake

Gliiding, glistening and grandiose
Pyrollian governesses emerge from
Caverness pools
Rollicking brown shocks of
Chipmunk flavored thingnesses
Twiddledee dingly
through the St John’s Wort,
(A holy cartoon bush of decadent bobbles)

#2

Capall

The way you carry your baby’s poo is not common, Grackle.

Highly Civilized, rather.
And your blues, golds and magentas, astonishing

#3

Formula of Love

Courage, Beauty

The yellow circle of the Governess’s eye
Echoed in the bumblebee’s belts

I did write this out on a page
each word pulsed 
like a basil bouquet 
or a freshly pulled deep red carrot

Bell of the ball
Dance, twirl, and glide
Player of the ball
Base, foot, and basket

the fireflies are moving
& i will always love you

there is an open space,
hollow with warmth & loneliness

what is here is here is here
& that is all & that is enough

Mighty God,
Thank you for a beautiful day
a day full of hope and promise
thank you for the sunshine and flowers,
those gifts that I often take for granted

Thank you for the people in my life
the fierce friends, work friends, neighbors,
and the family that can irritate me 
and make me laugh at the same time
and my sweet husband

Thank you Lord, for my boys
who are grown, yet will always be my babies,
please keep them safe and help them to figure 
out the complex issues that life throws at them
and help them to navigate the hard times with grace

Please help those who are heavy on my heart
with serious illness and complex problems
help them to know that they are not alone and 
please put people in their lives to help 
and help those already there to be a blessing

Thank you for loving me,
as I make mistake after mistake until I realize that,
yes, you were trying to tell me that wasn’t a good idea
please help me listen for your voice, before I charge 
ahead with my own will

I love you and thank you for the gift of life,
and all the blessings that you have bestowed on me
thank you for this big, wonderful world you created
and thank you for the many unique and wonderful people that you put in it
and thank you for words, that I use every day to communicate with you and others.

Amen

I want to be more present with you.

I want to appreciate your smile more.

When I am lost in thought

or staring at my phone,

I look up to see you

grinning and being playful.

I want to accept that invitation

more often.

I lose hours

trying to create something

but lose sight of the fact

I’m creating it for us.

Days and weeks pass by.

I want to remember my time with you.

I want to remember your words.

If you ever go,

I know I will treasure

every scrap of you I can find.

I’m often in my head,

worrying about the future,

reliving the past.

I’m always somewhere else.

But I’d rather be with you.

We didn’t rake the leaves. We refuse to mow the clover and violets. Now I’m seeing more fireflies than I have since childhood. I’m grateful.

firefly witches 
rise in the oak tree 
wishing Star 

Ice cream stained on my lips

I lick them and think of your mouth on mine

Our hands sticky,

Yet still holding

Our teeth ache from the cold,

But we continue eating

Oh, how I wish you were as sweet

As you are in my mind