I wonder if she’s ever been this afraid before
I want to hold her hand and tell her
that the fear is normal and human
but I am afraid of humiliating her
or perhaps that naming the thing
would crack her will
I want to say
you can trust the Lord and still be angry
you can trust the Lord
and still want to live
instead I ask her to help me with my crossword puzzle
I squeeze all my compassion and shared grief
into drawing her gaze away
from a precipice
that I might be too young to imagine
It’s only when I discover Third Street Stuff’s doors locked that I realize I should have visited more.
Too often did I make the excuse of it’s too far or I’m too tired to make the drive
or there’s someplace closer by to give me what I need; maybe next time,
except next time just became no more times and there’s another door closed in my heart.
How many phases of life has this building stood as promise through?
Freshman year of college, when we made it our regular hangout despite the fact
that my car was parked two-and-a-half miles back at the football stadium-
the picture taken of shocked faces after an eighty-seven point Scrabble play.
I’d boasted you’re going to have to do something fancy with the J and the X to catch me!
My opponent dropped JINXED on a Triple Word.
Those are the people I should have stuck around, all that time ago,
instead of a particular non-coffee-drinking crowd I would soon fall into.
Years later, the shop would become the springboard for an easy, casual romance.
She had just finished with classes and wanted a coffee and wanted me to be there, too.
As I took my seat beside her, she offered half her sandwich and thus began the best two years of my life,
maybe more if I had fought a little harder for what I wanted.
Still, to this day, I reflect on that relationship with great fondness.
But there was also another girl who I might have once been friends with
had we not crossed paths at the absolute worst time.
All I know is that Third Street was at one point her favorite place
and I’ve always wondered if there was ever a day we both sat at different tables.
Or would have, if I just dragged myself out of the house.
I think that’s the crux of what hurts about that front door not opening:
the inability to make right things that couldn’t help getting broken.
And though I know there’s a chance this closure won’t be permanent,
I can’t shake the worry that it won’t come back the same
because I didn’t.
I barely came back at all.
Venus
the planet’s name…
connations
the curvature
Phosphene
in my mind’s eye…
connatations
the curvature
Utterly Extinct:
Lucky with a nasturtium blossom too
Take
One knight’s sidestep away from sanity
Look around
Trace checkered tiles to the horizon
Line wheat woven baskets to carry
Join them
Cut corners along the bishops’ path
Boil butterfly peas’ petals with lemon
Drink
In the fire cast your shadow fourth
From the left and three paces west
Toward sunset
Seated in the same seat
squirming
working to make the stiff
straight wooden
back rest
mold to my spine.
The purple-haired pourer
situated
behind the bar, per usual,
the sweet older (potential) couple
propped up in their
booth–
neither of their yellow-hooded
raincoats leave their screens
as they sip the steaming
mugs in front of them,
the no bigger
than a step ladder
kiddo
glued to the pastry glass
drooling
as his grandma–
clothed in the most
perkiest pink
with a shimmering clip
clasping the hair
out of her rich
swampy green eyes–
pulls the clunkiest handful
of dusty quarters
from her beaded coin purse,
and your hand
graces the crevice
between my shoulder blades,
pulling me back
to your gaze.
Our
boy
Patrick,
grandson, that
is, spent time today
on his potty, asked for a book:
All Aboard (a most appropriate title). Despite
the three-year-old’s sound effects, we
set the book aside
and had to
conclude:
no
go.
It is Monday
I planned to paint
the concrete deck
behind my house but that
well-intentioned plan
must be put aside.
I could hide
my current plan
of writing about love that
reveals my past beck
and call feelings tainted
with their
fare-
wells.
Since the rain has arrived,
I will dig wet holes
and transplant eight tomato
plants and then I will go
down to Old Seventy Creek
and feed the minnows
beneath the bridge.
The morning after surgery,
everything tilts,
fluorescent light needling my eyes,
a monitor chirping out of time,
carts rattling past my door,
paper cuff tightening, releasing.
I drift between dream and interruption
as a nurse pricks my finger,
another counts my pulse;
the surgeon edges into view,
half-framed, already speaking:
you did great, all is well.
Words that hover then thin out,
like breath on glass.
I am only this:
present, alive.
The long, depthless quiet
let go its hold;
fear loosens
as morning gathers
in the corner of the room.