When the mind no longer holds beliefs –
some other power moves it.
It’s called

LOVE

I never rest

An electric buzzing behind my eyes keeps me up

Nightmares rouse me from my sleep

And put burning in my sinuses

None of this feels real

What’s the point

Of reality

When my life is lived at zero or a hundreds

A light switch

On and off

Life then death

Higher than the mountaintops

Or in the deepest ocean trench

I can’t keep doing this

It’s scaring me

Tearing me limb from limb

All to pull me back together again

Tethered to the notion of normal

It’s always something with me

Until it’s not

A carousel

Starting

To stop

Just to start again

The cycle of life

Everything is so simple

And yet too complex to wrap my head around

Nothing will never end

Until it does

decisions are my least favorite
especially the bigs
today is a day for a big

stay, go, maintain, establish
the verbs are competing, a tournament fielded in my mind
I go through the steps, the conversations
family, trusted colleagues
the people who know and care
I ask God for signs, and he whispers he’s been sending them for a while
I smile as I recollect

I consider whether too much of this book has been devoted to an ending
is it time for an altogether new storyline
duty though, the struggle I cling to as if the world is mine to repair
it is not though, plain and simple

evidence reveals truth
the revelation, though intuitive is based upon facts
today will become another day in a year
as well as the day I decided

Were you trying to 

I stand up too fast.
My blood-starved brain floods
with panic until my heart
can catch back up.  But

the sensation doesn’t go away
after a few steps. I cling
to the nearest support, will
the floodwaters back for

twenty seconds, now thirty.
Each successive tick a
warning that something is 
really wrong. I think back

to my mother, who fell while
walking, and when checked found
a brain tumor hiding where
they couldn’t get to it.

Urgency for emergency, to
raise an alarm, until the
feeling finally subsides.
I test my two feet for walking,

find that they can and set off,
slowly forgetting I felt death
close in for a short time, then
walk away as if nothing had happened. 

I fill the smart birdfeeder
It empties within hours  

Cardinals ruffle their feathers
tilt their heads, glare at the camera
beady eyes knowing I am watching  

Where’s the food?  

I fill the smart birdfeeder
 baffled against squirrels  
                                               sorting through
seed scattered on the ground
pigeons kicked from the platform
with four-toed galoshes  

Chipmunks dart between the squirrels
to find a place                          
                           nervous feast
fear and greed oscillate
in their micro-quivers                            

I fill the smart birdfeeder
It empties within hours  

Where’s the food?  

Grackle swat teams zoom like drones
across the yard  
                              They know where I live  

I feel these creatures feeling me
awaiting my appearance
as if I’m Taylor Swift

A superior once reprimanded me for not saying good morning 
Before I started asking questions 
A social nicety I haven’t forgotten since 
He was so pissed 

I often say outloud 
Talking to no one but myself 
Solitary home office 
That doesn’t make any sense 

Little does when you’re wired different 
But ended up in a suit 
With a title 
Should’ve been a muse, an artist 

But I live in America 
And really need health insurance 

Baseball Finger
Bowler’s Thumb
Boxer’s Fracture
Runner’s Knee
Tennis Elbow…

and yet you still
expect me to exercise?

Fight cage on the White House lawn