I tell a new friend of my history—
how God raised me a skeptic,
when he welcomed me home
twice on Sunday, and once mid-week

I think of the boy
with the guitar, unkempt curls driving
preacher’s daughter wild
she shared my heart for mischief;
we led a village safe for doubts

shaggy soccer star
still appears in my dreams,
twenty year memory
of young love unrequited,

handwritten notes
on worn worship programs
next to doodles by attentionless artists

music we were banned from,
in the back of our minds
drowned out by the organ wailing,
hymns mumbled together,
pretending we were too cool

to sing.

I lost my religion
and first learned community
in a group of youths

looking down

from old balcony pews.

my love,
what passes
and
what persists
in this present life
in this earthly realm
I do not know–
rather
here in this moment now
you instruct me
in delight and mystery
with your simple presence
timeless source
of wonder
that is ordinary you

She did not realize
she was in a nursing home.
Had been in one hospital,
thought she had been transferred to another.
A bit confusing, but she liked it.

“Amazing place,” she said.
“I walk around to the dining room, sit down,
and someone brings me a plate of food.
When I’m done, they pick it up and take it away.”

Then this mother who raised eight children
whispered conspiratorially,
“I haven’t washed a dish since I’ve been here,”
as though she might be found out
and have to take her turn.

She never did,
and everybody was happy.

I asked you 

Orange butterflies
Sometimes confused with monarchs
But more flittery 

A hyperactive, nonstop mind
Always here and always there
Rapid thoughts
Racing thoughts
Restless thoughts, oh please be kind
Restless thoughts
Racing thoughts
Rapid thoughts incoming, beware

Beginning all things all at once
Being present everywhere
Speedy thoughts
Sudden thoughts
Sprinting thoughts, a dozen months
Springing thoughts
Sudden thoughts
Speedy thoughts I will overshare 

Curious about all things new
Constant driving, diving deep
Turbo thoughts
Tangled thoughts
Troubled thoughts I shall review
Troubled thoughts
Tangled thoughts
Turbo thoughts, let me get some sleep! 

Dwelling on both past and present
Daydreams keep me far away
Ultra thoughts
Urgent thoughts
Unbridled thoughts are discontent
Unbridled thoughts
Urgent thoughts
Ultra thoughts I fail to convey 

Examine this or look at that
Energetic words I wage
Vibrant thoughts
Vigorous thoughts
Voracious thoughts I must combat
Voracious thoughts
Vigorous thoughts
Vibrant thoughts print across the page

Forgetting daily where I am
Finding that I’m scatterbrained
Wary thoughts
Weary thoughts
Wayward thoughts come without end
Wayward thoughts
Weary thoughts
Wary thoughts ever keep me drained

A hyperactive, nonstop mind
Did I fail to mention that I… 
Repeat myself all the time?

Forgive me. 

As much as I would love

to believe that I 

could lay down my life for 

You, it still would not be worth 

the weight on your shoulders  

that comes with being crowned

into a dying world. 

The heart of man

is nothing like a mother’s womb. 

It may be flesh but it will never bleed for you. 

It will never stretch to make room for you. 

It will never keep you safe. 

I could never keep you safe. 

What homesteaders are these I asked
I had heard them over my thoughts before

I feared no more contemplative morning time for me
–just their bickering and arguing over who knows what

Their sounds came in through the window, but
they were gone by the time I went looking

I only saw stray debris blown across my entry —
random traces of their haphazard nesting efforts

They must be crazy to want to live here I thought
front row seats to chaos, cars and noisy street people

But apparently my front door transom looked like home
for these two Mourning Doves, giving city living a try

I listened for their cooing, and watched their cast shadows
against the glass as they strutted in their modest dwelling

For a brief time we shared this house, but within a day or two
storm winds vanquished their nest and they vanished

Toast hardens/ Beneath the open windows above the sink-

    Grandy’s heirloom kitchen cutlery and
    countertop dishes wait in rest for another wash.
    Rain falls; worms travel; birds nest.  

    …and then/ and then/ and then…  

    This early summer day settles down against
    tomato -plant thunder.
    God, does He read before he sleeps?
    And like me, is His neck tired, too.

Light fades/Outside, night stretches across the horizon.

I am a paradox, complex and multi-faceted
So confusing to those who need
To be firmly grounded in their sense of
Good or Bad, Right or Wrong, Yes or no, Light or Dark
I don’t fit the mold, I won’t stay in my lane…

I covet the porcelain feel of my daughter’s cheeks and yet
    Cringe at the constant checking of her makeup on her phone.
I garden for hours until my arms and legs ache and yet 
    Loathe a gym because I don’t like to sweat.
I listen to bird song for hours and yet
    Wince at the abrasive soundtrack of perpetual pop music.
I crave endless adventures and yet 
    Escape to solitude when my battery is low.
I putter mindlessly through my house in a blissful stupor and yet
    Stumble angrily without my weekend planned to the minute.
I share my life and love with those who love back and yet
    Withhold when expected to give too much of myself.
I devour Patchett and Berry, House and Kingsolver and yet
    Nibble at The New Yorker.
I dance like a maniac in a club full of strangers and yet
    Wallflower on the sidelines of a wedding dance floor.
I walk for hours in New York or Paris and yet
    Blanch at having to walk the mile to the grocery.

You can’t know me, not all of me
Just keep up, go with my flow, follow my lead
Try to love me, the enigma, the riddle, the conundrum
                            The Paradox that is ME.