tw: violent imagery

I have a very odd relationship with you

Odd because it does not exist outside my mind

Not anymore

We haven’t spoken or seen each other in years

And yet you linger

Like the feeling of hopelessness

Like the taste of blood in your mouth

Like the smell of burning flesh

Like smoke in the air after a bomb

I have flashing moments when I feel like I need to know what’s happening in your life even though I don’t care about you anymore

It’s like torture

I’m blindfolded, never knowing when the next punch is coming

Gagged to stifle my screams of agony

Hands bound tightly to ensure that I can’t defend myself from the impulse to see you again

It’s funny, I still can’t pinpoint why it all happens

I know it’s not that I miss you

I know it’s not because I want to see how you are

It’s almost like how people watch a car crash

I just can’t look away from my own demise

A twisted urge that rises within me

Every time it emerges I go dizzy from the feeling

Knowing you’re still out there makes me sick

You shouldn’t be happy

You shouldn’t be allowed to carry on like nothing happened

You shouldn’t get to act like you don’t care after what you did to me

Slamming the cell door in my face

Smiling while twisting a knife into my stomach

Dunking my head in water and then pulling me up for air over and over

Breaking me in the most masochistic, haunting way and leaving me to bleed

Acting like you loved me and then leaving

-you cut me wide open without even thinking about the scar you would leave and now I have to deal with the clean up