The first person I opened my eyes too.
Pulled the plastic out of my throat when I was one and my face turned blue.
How could I believe anyone could love me, correction, my own father.
Yes, he left.
Thank you, joke about the displaced parent who’s home is in my heart but was suddenly evicted.
He comes back for the slightest, he wants money.
He leaves, retreats to number two along with an Old friend, drugs.
He has a new one.
Stuck in the past of a traumatic memory tweaked to my worst weakness and debilitating fears.
Driving, dad…are you okay? Are you awake? Hey! You’re driving don’t fall asleep!
Nervous, he’s nodding off, stop drowning me in responsibilities of making sure you’re breathing at age six.
Everyone visited him but me.
For the father I once had, now gone, but so desperately needed.
I can’t see, my vision is blurred.
Oh I’m sorry I couldn’t notice over my racing thoughts.
The phone rings I jump at the thought that THIS is the call.
If not me it’d be others.
I wish it was someone else not me, it’s not fair, I can’t breathe because of you.
I wish I was in the front seat of your truck, music blaring, cigarette in your mouth.
Impossible, you, sober? what the hell is this, a joke?
It will be easier.
I lied come back.
Father, my first heartbreak, leaving his child in excruciating pain.
father please don’t come back in the end if you weren’t there from the start.
Is that you?
I understand. Is that all you want? Here’s twenty dollars. Oh you’re leaving already? Oh ok see ya.
“Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system. At the tone, please record your message.”
I’m fine, no really I am it happens all the time.
As I sink continuously faster by the second, who will save me? Because I’m sure as hell it won’t be my father. I save myself, clinging onto the walls of hurt and angst with my fingers. Slowly slipping, my fingernails break.
I tumble more and more with each breath I feel my eyes roll back into my head unable to see.
Forever in this state of abandonment and exile I tend to fill my lungs with air unable to feel a goddamn thing.