the first fight i ever had
that i can remember 
may have been saying something wild to
a kid that i didn’t think could fight 
and he shoulder tossed me and pinned me 
and punched me twice
in the forehead
and i
learned what mercy was that day

when you see someone not fighting you back
you would think
you would give quarter 

but instead

you choose to keep harming someone

who has done little or nothing to harm you in response 

besides exist

as a reminder of all the atrocities you commit
and it’s not like you thunk you’re excluded
exempt
18-wheeler accidents don’t give enough payout 
for you to be a dick
and I don’t give a fuck if you sat courtside at the championship
Or were featured on a podcast
Or how many hoes you had in undergrad
Because all this does is piss me the fuck off
And make me mad
Because Now We Ain’t Got Shit To Show For It
So I Think
We Should Take These Gloves Off
And GO
FOR 
IT

I long for the day 
When I don’t have 
To pencil in appointments 
Create a list of things 
That are a must 
Have a schedule 
Watch the clock 
Wait for a break 
Wake up too early 
Worry I’m up too late 
Plan everything 
For everyone
Just you
Just me
Us
Local band in
The background 
A cocktail 
For lunch 
Well served 
Salt on the rim
A shoreline 
Cotton candy horizon 
Just ahead 

I think there is 
A name for it 
It’s definitely called 
Retirement

It doesn’t matter
if you have stripes, it matters
if you have the votes. 

All good things must come to an end.

For seven years you’ve been by side.
Kept me going;
helped me stay clean.
You even were there through my whole family’s baggage.

After all the repeated cycles—
regardless if it happened every week, every other, or just once a month,
you remained.
No matter how much heat came your way,
you stood firm.

I know at times it was hard,
especially the way some things tumbled.
Though I put a lot of pressure on you—
and many days the load was heavy—
you still persevered and allowed me to be soft.

I didn’t tell you how much I appreciated you.
I was often impatient and took you for granted.
I know it didn’t seem like it,
but I loved your dry sense of humor.
       It got me through.

I hate you’ll be separated from your partner in grime.
You all have been together for many seasons—
longer than I’m even aware of.

Well, I’m going to miss you, dryer.
May you rest in repurposable pieces.

I’m tired of being your illusion,

of reflecting back to you

what you want to see

just to keep the peace.

I’m tired of being a ghost,

something only half-alive,

dead to my own desires.

I’m tired of pretending,

of sharing in this denial

and delusion,

helping perpetuate it.

I’m tired of being tired,

of escaping into sleep

every chance I get,

just to be free from this existence

for a while.

–they call it frozen:
shoulder won’t ascend, straighten,
but it just claims Pain.

like a cat
at a corner
store
i am outstretched
completely and totally unbothered
no worries except 
what my next lunch
should be

Will I recognize
the shape of your neck
when I pick you up
to play again?

My forgotten love.

Always the time-maker
never the time.

How many picks 
have you eaten,
since our last song?

I am sure I could
love you no matter who you
have been or become.