I would like to thank
those who gathered round
at the end to say goodbye

I would like to thank that cute nurse
who reminded me my libido was still a thing

Thank you to my co-workers, who
made me laugh and covered for me
all those years 

Thank you to that guy at the gas station
who told me the cops had a speed trap
down the road

I would like to thank my wife and kids
for giving me love and pain in nearly equal measure
and for going on all those trips with me—
so long as I paid

Thank you to my friends,
who taught me to have fun
at the expense of others and
to give as good as I got, except
for Susan–the only thing she gave me
was chlamydia

Thank you to my mother and father
and brothers for a nice, uneventful

I accept this Eternal Award for
my lifetime achievement and–
oh, pardon me–
Eternal Reward, I mean,
and offer special thanks to the Man Upstairs
for selecting me for this honor

I guess I will be Upstairs
from now on, too

Thank you, and goodnight